Poções
By this time last year, I was in a different headspace, and on a retreat in order to help deal with the depression nemesis haunting my every waking moment. For that, the small town of Poções was the best remedy, and my stay there changed my life. The flurry of memories and emotions, the commonplace but enjoyable ennui of an eventless day after day, and the sky of violet, and eerie, empty, silent nights; it all served me with a calm enough place to reflect and forget.
In the Trove, it reflected as a new "season system". When I came back home, with a new view of life and photography, I saw a need to separate the current from the past and make my progression a little easier to pinpoint: before the events of April 2023, we have Season One—the beginning, photographed with a Samsung Camcorder. During my retreat, in May through June, we have Season Two—the transition, photographed with a borrowed point-and-shoot. And at last, from July to now, we have Season Three—the current time, photographed with my main baby, a Sony DSC-H100.
To my surprise, when May 2024 came around and an invitation was made to visit Poções once more, a whole year had passed since one of the worst moments of my life. Now I have a trusty old camera I can rely on and have plenty of experience with, a partner and student, whom I'm teaching photography, and my biggest enemy is not something outside my control anymore. But I still feel a little empty. Life really was never the same since that night, and now all I can do is wish for a utopic overwhelming positive that will never come.
My photos do reflect this change, I came to realize. Now, all I find in them is a beautiful, empty shell, lingering on my vital organs like a parasitic barnacle.
Recently, someone told me my photography has matured, that I've developed. The reason why was not the right one, and I still wonder why they said that; but I'm afraid to find out, and know I did change in a meaningful way.
I don't want a fourth season. And I never did want a second or third. In all honesty, I don't want to look back.
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